Recovery, what a bitch.

Morning everyone, yesterday had to be one of my worst days yet in recovery, a bad day, in which i have had many, but this one is definitely finding itself on the top. I have never been a binger... but I did exactly that yesterday, and i almost couldn't stop, before I ever went into recovery centers, i really had no idea what that "out of body" feeling ever felt like, I experienced it yesterday. I think I binged on everything in my house, for about 4 hours, I am so embarrassed to say. Its almost like I can NOT eat all day long, and I don't even find myself hungry ever, but once I wake up and try to "start over and eat good all day" one that once piece of food hits my mouth, its downhill from there, I cant stop. I actually ended up eating almost a box of laxatives because I felt so sick to my stomach, and didn't go to sleep until 4 a.m, and waking up right now which the time now is close to 3 p.m. I don't know if this isn't "allowed" to write here, but I am going to be brutally honest in my blogs, and hopefully a year or two from now, I will be able to look back on my blogs, and the brutal honesty will shock me when I am so recovered, it will be amazing how far I have come, hopefully, so I hope no one gets offended by any of my blogs, because really I am doing it for myself, to help myself, and to lay it all on the line, instead of pretending like I am okay, which I'm not, and pretending like I am doing good, when in reality, I'm no where near recovered. So moving on, I really wish i could live a normal life, wake up in the morning, eat my breakfast, look forward in the day, and just live NORMAL! But that's not happening, I don't know why ED chose me, or why this happened to me, I want so badly to recover, and not to be skeletal, and not look like a flat chested little 5 year old girl. So today, sad to say, my stomach is so screwed I'm not going to be eating, tomorrow i will try again.. So ill be back to post tomorrow... Anyone who has recovered, I envy you.